Competition.

Having competition always makes me more determined.

It has always been that way. I find someone I could secretly compete with (whether in terms of grades or … well, grades) which ups my a-game even more.

I have never applied it to matters of the heart until now.

I was interested but not enough for me to make a serious flirtatious move. However, when someone remarked that this certain she and he would make a good couple, I absolutely wanted to prevent that from happening.

So I made my move. Contrary to the first time I did it post-break up (to another person), it was surprisingly easy. Maybe it’s because I was forcing myself in doing it the last time. Kasi wala ng ibang malandi eh. So okay, ikaw na lang. In this case, it was as if all my landi powers were back. The hirits were delivered smoothly. The flirtatious looks and pacute smiles. I did it with ease.

I don’t hate the other girl. In fact, she’s a very worthy ‘opponent’. Pretty, smart, nice personality. Inunahan ko lang siya. Sorry na. )

It’s nice finally feeling this way again and not feeling guilty. At least this time, alam ko sa sarili ko na ‘di ko pinipilit.

I love life!

Revive.

It’s been two months since I’ve blogged here. Wow. I miss writing.

So much has changed.

I’ve slowly re-learned how to be Redg alone. A Redg with no specific ‘bestfriend-slash-girlfriend‘ to tell my problems and random kwentos. Although I miss the feeling of having a person to lean on during times of family bitchfights or schoolwork stress, I guess it feels great to be myself again. No scratch that. It feels great to find a new me.

So much hasn’t changed.

I’ve lowered my pride. I can’t believe I apologized. I don’t regret it. We’re civil. Sometimes, though, I just feel like saying sorry didn’t change anything anyway. Yeah, I could talk to her and repress my feelings of murder and she could talk to me without wanting to bash me in the head but generally, it’s still the same. Casual hostility and defeaning silence. It doesn’t bother me that much. It’s just … I thought that my apologizing would mean I could have her back as my friend again. You know, person I’d go share my most exciting, dirty, weird and mundane thoughts with. Whatever. I thought wrongly.

Anyways, college!

I’ve started to appreciate and enjoy Math! We’re taking Calculus this sem and even though it’s still hard (I hate proving limits using epsilon-delta) I kind of enjoy it. The feeling after correctly differentiating a function is very satisfying. And maybe (okay not maybe, definitely) my prof kind of helped in making the subject fun and interesting. Gah. It makes my coming home at 4:00 (instead of the usual 2:30) worth it.

CS 11 (Computer Science) was at first a bitch. Everything I’ve ‘learned’ in Turbo Pascal back in high school completely slipped out of my mind making my first weeks of CS extremely confusing and hard. Hm, or maybe the fact that I didn’t make an effort to remember anything from my 3rd year computer class contributed. Anyhow, I’m kind of getting the hang of it. However, the Machine Problem is just that–a problem. The other CS classes’ MP just require them to make some kind of game (like Mastermind) which is way too easy compared to ours! MEANWHILE, WE HAVE TO GO PROGRAM A ROOT-FINDING ALGORITHM FOR QUINTIC EQUATIONS USING THE NEWTON METHOD, BISECTION METHOD AND OTHER METHODS MATHEMATICIANS INVENTED TO MAKE MATH MAJORS TAKING COMPUTER SCIENCE MISERABLE. Not only that, we then have to recommend which method is more efficient. GUHHHH.

Geog1 is a bore. Blame the prof. Some of my classmates just go sign the attendance sheet and then ‘pretend’ to go to the washroom but never come back. They just wait outside when class is almost over and when people are going out, they’d go in and get their bags.

Geol1 isn’t the most interesting class ever but it’s bearable. Normal class. English1, however, is fun! :> Maybe because I like any english-related subject, but really, it’s fun! I’m always excited during English. )

Line Dance is enjoyable. It’s just that I’m almost always late. 9AM is too early to go to the Vanguard.

~

There. I miss writing. I’d go update this regularly now.

High school never ends. A halloween special.

 

I ran across the all-too familiar high school court to greet my friends. God, how I missed them. The hirits, the jokes, the sarcastic conversations that no one ever gets in college. A couple of rants about stupid college professors and classmates milled around the group. Dozens of “Hey do you remember” stories were unearthed. And millions of “I miss yous” were uttered at random moments.

You were still air. I wasn’t ready. So you were still cloaked with invisibility.

You grabbed my arm as I was walking towards the canteen.

The touch was like white flame. Surprised, I jerked away.

“So feeling mo parin vindicated ka? Para kang tanga. FYI, ang pangit mo.”

I stood there dumbfounded as you took off to the other side of the school. Looking around, everyone stared at me, too afraid to get near.

Fuck high school.

~

I woke up not knowing the difference between reality and dreams. I frantically dialled a number on my cellphone, desperate for someone to talk to.

“Alam mo yung siesta? Ginagawa ko yun eh.”

“Fuck you.” I managed to get out before I succumbed to the welcoming pits of confusion.

 

These are my confessions.

When someone lets you down it’s not your trust that suffers the most. It’s your faith. Everything that you believed in will be shattered like glass. Even though you know that what you had was worth something, you can’t help but question it. You can’t help but question everything, in fact. If it was worth something how come people don’t seem to care?  Were the confessions just lies? Were the promises just words? Is that how shallow everything had been? Was I just another person tossed to the “has-been” bin after getting bored with?

In my case, I lost myself in the questions that went by unanswered. Sometimes I looked around me and wonder how can everything be so normal for everyone when I lost a big part of me? How can people laugh and joke around like nothing has happened? How can they ask why things aren’t okay when they should know very well why? I know the world doesn’t revolve around me. I know. The world doesn’t stop just because you’re grieving. It’s just that seeing other people happy, well, it doesn’t make me happy. In fact, as sick as it might sound, I wanted them not happy. I wanted them to suffer like me. What the hell did I do to deserve this and what the hell did they do to be happy? I felt like it wasn’t fair.

At the back of my head I knew I was being sucked in to my own personal hole of misery. I felt restless. Like my everyday routine is worthless. I deteriorated and no one was there to notice and tell me to get myself together. I may have been telling myself that I’m doing my best to live but deep down inside, I know I wasn’t. I was lying.

And who suffered in the end? Me. And … oh yeahhh. My grades. You know, back then when I read or hear about the people getting depressed over heartbreak I used to call them weak. Pussies. Like you can’t man yourself up and find another person to suck face with. Naivete, huh?

A lot of inspirational quotes and shit say that happiness is a choice. That one day, if you wake up and decide to be happy then, eventually, you would be happy. Also, people say that in order to be happy, we should be contented. So I’m not trying to sound like a drama queen but being contented in flash isn’t really that easy. Why? Simple. It’s against human nature. People will always want more than what they have. If we were all contented, we’d be lying on our ass and not working hard for a lot of things.

Being happy isn’t a one step thing. Fine, it’s a choice, but it isn’t as easy as the old proverbs make them sound.

I’ve read (or heard) somewhere that there are different stages of the grieving period. First is denial. Well, I’m over that now. I’m on the admission stage now. So here I am. Admitting to it.

I’m depressed and I need help.

Okay, not professional help. Just people who’d back me up or something. I need people who are healthy to be around with. I need people who will tell me I’d do good in my studies. I need people.

This acceptance thing is hard. I missed writing though.

I’ll go prepare for the welcoming of a brand new me.

~

I started typing hoping for a very insightful piece but then it turned out to be a confession. Great. Anyway. I feel a lot better.

 

Pride: Zero

I can’t help it. I have to type something. It seems too incomplete if I don’t.

It’s been at least a week. A week of unwanted freedom from you. Surprisingly, I don’t cry myself at night that much comapared to the time when you left me Senior year. I think about things before I sleep and all of these thoughts make me extremely sad, believe me, but it seems that the tears just won’t come.

What do you make of that? Does that mean that I really am not that affected?

WRONG.

I thought that I could handle it. Being friends. I wanted to handle it. Alam mo, sa totoo lang, mahirap ka bitawan eh. There were times when I wanted to text you and tell you about my day but the problem is I don’t have any load and I tell myself that I shouldn’t buy any for … well, you know.

As bitter and angry and distrustful as this sounds, I told myself that I really wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve found another one this early on. I told myself that it was my fucking karma for the lack of respect we gave to the girl before me. I told myself that I would consider myself lucky if you actually waited even for just a week before moving on, because well, that’s a pretty amazing feat if you did that.

Despite my inner sermon to myself I was still taken aback. Shocked. Enraged. I even felt a little bit betrayed. Suddenly, all the things you said about me being all you needed and wanted came back. It was like a dam that was broken and I cursed you for being such a fucking liar and me for being such a sissy who can’t stand seeing someone else.

I was hurt. We ‘fought’. That was a really fucked up thing. WHY ARE WE ‘FIGHTING’ WHEN WE AREN’T EVEN TOGETHER?

Funny thing is, it seemed that you didn’t want me to be hurt. I suddenly had the feeling that we were together again, wherein you assured me not to be jealous. I asked myself if that was normal because it didn’t feel normal to me. Why would you incessantly convince me that it was nothing? Are you hiding something? That really isn’t impossible since we used to do it ourselves. Is it really true that you don’t want me to be hurt? That you cared for me to that extent?

Another me. Another girlfriend. I told myself that it would happen eventually, that you would whisper I love you to someone else. That you would find someone else wherein you could bury your face into her hair. That someone else will be the receiver of all your pacute faces. That you would tease someone else that they’re fat. That you’d tell someone else that they’re beautiful.

I used to be your best. Apparently, that wasn’t enough to make you stay.

Of course I want to get back together. That’s precisely the reason on why I doubt that we can be friends. You say friends while I say ex-lovers that could be together again.

I’m trying. I’m really trying.

I want to be with you again. I think I’d take you back if you wanted me to.

I’m pathetic. I’m crying as I end this entry.

Ang UPCAT 2009.

Out-of-place tarpaulins with building names now hang around the streets of UP with the UPCAT drawing nearer and nearer. It seems like lightyears ago when I took it and now instead of cramming for the UPCAT I’m slowly dying from Precalculus.

FUCKER.
MAGU-UPCAT NA LANG ULIT AKO.

*End angsty tirade*

Anyhoo, since super duper famous ang mga UPCAT tips sa panahon na ‘to, gusto ko rin gumawa. Wala lang. Pampam.

1. Alamin mo building mo, malamang.
Hindi ko alam kung lahat ng buildings ginagamit, pero oo yata. ) Sangkaterba kasi kayong mage-exam diba. Uh, although ang cool picturan kapag mage-exam ka sa Palma Hall, eh panget pa rin. Mainit dun e. =)) Ako dati sa CBA lang, kaya nilakad ko lang yun. HEHE. Morning session, kaya super duper early. Tama yung before 30 mins sa time mo nandun ka na. Kasi, walalang. Maraming pwedeng mangyari sa UPCAT date, pwedeng masiraan kotse mo, pwede kang madapa, pwede kang madulas sa putikan, mahulugan ng sanga, at marami pa. Kaya mas maganda kung maaga, kasi kapag merong unexpected na mangyayari on the way, marami ka pang time para humabol. =)) Kung pwedeng maglakad, maglakad na lang kasi siguradong traffic. Seryoso. Kung magko-kotse, agahan niyo as in ZUPER aga. Kasi sobrang nakakatense sa kotse maghintay na humupa yung traffic tas magUUPCAT ka pa diba. Pero hindi ako nagkotse papuntang UPCAT, nilakad ko lang. =)) Pero alam ko yung feeling na naghihintay sa kotse dahil sa USTET, kaya ganun na rin yon! =))

2. Dalhin mo yung permit mo please. )
Pati baon tsaka dalawang lapis at eraser. Kung super duper malas mo, pantasa rin.Hindi akong naniniwala sa OA kapag dalawa o tatlo lapis mo. Ayoko nga magtasa. Diba, hassle pa, tas katapat mo mga trigo functions echos. Kapag nabali o napudpod, eh di labas mo na lang yung isa. Ah, tsaka number 2 yung pencil, okay? Wag matigas ang ulo.

3. Magdala ng jacket at payong!
Usually umuulan kapag UPCAT, hindi ko alam kung bakit. =)) =)) Pero seryoso, mahirap kapag sobrang lamig sa room. Malas mo kung sa mainit na building ka. Pero kapag Math, you’re so swerte! Aircon ka! =)) If you’re a girl, ang tip kong isuot mo, mag-tank top ka na lang or racerback. Tas kapag mainit okay lang, kapag malamig magjacket ka. =)) Pwede din naman pala to sa boys … =))

4. Kausapin mo yung katabi mo. Pwede wag mo harassin.
Wala lang, para may friend ka. =)) Magpakilala ka naman dude, di yung kakausapin mo lang bigla. Pero kung ayaw niya makipagusap (may ganung mga anti-social HAHAHA like me!) eh di wag mo na kausapin. Respeto lang baka nagc-concentrate na siya. =))

5. Wag pansinin ang mga outside forces. Scripted yan para di ka pumasa. =))
Kapag sira ang upuan, sabihin kagad. Wag yung in the middle of the test tsaka ka lang magrereklamo. Sobrang hirap mag-gain ulit ng momentum sa pagsasagot. Kapag may epal na proctor na nakikipagchismisan ng malakas, bahhhh wag mo pansinin. Be in your element. Kapag may pumasok na pusa, okay lang. Di ka mamamatay, hahabulin yan ng janitor. Wag ka mag-alala.

6. Gawin na ang lahat sa banyo before ang exam.
Precious time ang mawawala kapag nagbanyo ka. =)) Ang mga banyo pa naman sa ibang building eh nasa magkabilang dulo ang sa boys at girls. Kaya ya know. =))

7. ANG ENGLISH SUBTEST AY SOBRANG MADALI.
Yun lang ang masisiguro ko sa’yo. =)) Feel ko perfect ko yon, seryoso. =)) =)) Kayabangan eno. ANYWAY, sobrang basic lang. Grammar, spelling, error spotting, that kind of shit. Pero madali lang, kaya siguraduhing lahat ay tama! Nakakahiya diba kung sobrang dali na nga tas di mo pa sineryoso.

8. Ang Math ay madali, pero kung mabagal ka magsolve eh bilisan mo. =))
Konti lang yung nosebleed items, seryoso. Tas minsan common sense lang sa choices, tingnan ang mga label, etc. Gets mo diba? Kung ang label alam mo dapat inches tas yung sa choices centimeter, meter at inches and nandun syempre mae-eliminate mo na dalawa. Coolnezz kapag ganun. Sobrang di mo na kelangan magcompute. Kapag solution set ang choices, mas maganda kung isubstitute mo na lang kaysa sa isolve mo pa. Diba? =)) =))

9. Nung UPCAT ko, puro graph yung science. T____T
As in graph dito, graph dun. Nalunod ako sa graph. Kelangan mo ianalyze and chuva. Konti lang ang genetics nun, kaya sobrang tuwa ko kasi HINDI YUN TINURO SAMIN NUNG BIO. =)) Sorry ah, bulok ang Bio namin nung high school eh. May simple physics, tsaka balancing chemical equations.

10. Reading Comprehension. KELANGAN NG PAMPAGISING.
Kung ako sayo magbaon ka ng XO na candy para magising ka kasi sobrang boring ‘tong part na ‘to. Seryoso. Di ko din yan ginawa sa UPCAT ko pero ginawa ko sa USTET. Pwede na rin yung gawin sa UPCAT. =)) =)) Kasi yung tipong mga topic mga PUTA BAT BA NAGSUSULAT NG MGA GANITONG SELECTION?? SELECTIONS yung pinipili nila. Sinasadya yata nila na boring para maantok. Ahhh, wag mo na basahin yung selection ng buo. Basahin mo na lang yung questions, tas iscan mo yung sagot. Sobrang effective sakin. Hehe. Pero ikaw, nasa sa’yo na yun. =))

11. Pwedeng magdasal kay Jesus, Allah, Buddha etc.

12. Kelangan mataas ang HS grades.
Medyo malabo ang passing possibility mo kapag medyo mababa. So, you know, kung 2nd year ka pa lang, GO LANG NG GO! Pagsisisihan mo kapag yan pa naging rason kung bakit di ka pumasa. (Haha, as if lahat gusto UP.) =))

13. Wag ka na kumain during the exam unless SOBRANG GUTOM KA NA.
Wag. Kasi, walalang. Distraction, panira ng momentum, chuva eklat. Pwede yung mga gummi bears mga ganung kalandian. Pero wag kang mababaon ng hamburger. Hindi mo makakain. Kasi ako Big Mac baon ko nun e. Wala, panget ang lasa after ko kainin sa bahay kasi depressed ako non. =))

14. Make intelligent guesses, eliminate absurd choices.
Kapag 0% ang knowledge mo, wag mo na sagutan plez. OO, TOTOONG RIGHT MINUS 1/4 WRONG ANG EXAM. =)) Alam niyo akala ko joke lang yan dati tapos nung malapit na yung exam di ko alam kung ano babalakin ko sa exam. =)) =)) Wala akong pinagsabihan neto pero torn ako kung sasagutan ko ba o hinde. =)) Tas sobrang natakot ako dun sa right minus wrong, hindi ko na shnotgun yung Math ko. Yung Reading Compre shnotgun ko yung iba dun eh. =)) Pero sa math as in 10-15 yung blanko ko dun. =)) Tingnan mo nangyari sakin ngayon, Math major. =)) =))

OKAY NAWIWILI AKO SA PAGTYPE. =)) =)) Yun lang naman. Sana nakatulong ang aking pagshare. KAY. Off to study for Philo exam!